Peace Corps and Long Distance Relationships

I’ve been trying different ways to discuss this topic, and no matter what, it seems to come out preachy or self-centered. Of course, this is my blog, so I guess a certain amount of self-centeredness is acceptable and expected. So forgive me this.

Peace Corps is hard. When we are sworn in as volunteers, we pledge to serve in conditions of hardship. Right there in the pledge, so we know what we’re getting ourselves in for, or at least, we know it won’t be easy. Peace Corps does try to prepare us for the hardship we will face. We receive plenty of pamphlets and paperwork about the type of work our program does, and cultural reports about our post countries. But, for prospective volunteers in committed relationships, they go one step further. They send surveys to make sure we are prepared for the upcoming challenges to the relationship.

Of course, no paper can predict all of the challenges that a couple goes through, much less when one person goes to the other side of the planet. And my relationship has definitely had its share of bumps and twists. There have been times when we’ve come pretty close to the brink. But here I am, and here we are, still together. We’ve made it through nearly seventeen months. Nine months and one week to go.

The first weeks were the hardest. Contact was so sporadic and uncontrollable throughout PST, though it did become easier once Peace Corps issued us cell phones. Then we could at least send text messages (though only if the US person has AT&T or Sprint, not Verizon). My girlfriend would call when we couldn’t meet, using Skype, which remains much cheaper than calling on a normal phone plan. It seems so long ago now, but the emotions and frustrations of that time still seem raw and real, and while our relationship has become stronger as we’ve gone through the stresses of PST, sometimes the shadow of that time has reared its ugly head. But, a lot has happened in the 13 months since then, which overwhelm those three months of aggravation and difficulty most of the time. The problems then were no one person’s fault; unless you make the case that they are my fault since I left. But they were and I suppose still are, issues that strain these long distance relationships. No matter what one does, one person is still in another country, usually with spotty Internet contact.

Once I got to site, the relationship became easier for one simple reason—we were able to create a regular talking schedule. The IREX (a community Internet and computer center) had wireless internet which enabled us to speak easily and with minimal irregularities (such as power outages and the like), and my ability to make my own schedule gave us a new flexibility for planning. Last summer, my host brother went to Ohio as part of the MUSKIE program, and my host family installed Internet, meaning I have even more scheduling freedom, and can now plan to talk after IREX closes (this came in huge when the IREX wireless stopped working). Seeing each other’s faces and hearing the other’s voice went a long way to keeping us connected. Sure, we were changing, the typical problem that faces distant couples, but we were able to grow together, not apart. Thank Newton for the wonders of technology. I can’t imagine how difficult this may have been for the first groups of volunteers back in the 60s.

The other thing that made our lives and our relationship easier is that we were able to see each other. We’ve now seen each other three times. First, as soon as was possible (Peace Corps Azerbaijan stipulates that we must remain in country and at site for the first four months of service), we met in Glasgow, Scotland. At that point, I only had a few saved up vacation days, so it was a short trip, but much needed, because it confirmed to us that we still worked when we were together. There was no awkwardness in our conversation or in our actions. All the little things—talking, joking, laughing, holding hands—were still there. We were still us.

The next time was even better, though it was not always fun. She came to Azerbaijani. At the beginning, she was steadfastly against coming. But little by little, she opened up to the idea and eventually decided she would come for ten days at the end of July. The visit was not a vacation, and in addition to the fact that it was brutally hot at the time, it was not always fun. But the fact that she came, that she had opened herself up to the idea and the experience, that she had trusted me to come around the world, meant a lot for the relationship, and meant a lot to me.

The third and most recent visit was over Christmas, and finally I made the trip home. This was my turn to be initially opposed. At the beginning of my service, I worried about not being able to come back to Azerbaijan because I liked being home too much. And while I did like being home, I knew I was far enough along in my service that I would be too stubborn to give up and stay in America.

And she supported that determination. When I got my assignment to Azerbaijan, after we figured out where it was exactly, we were on two different sides about whether I should go. But I went. And now, as we have traversed the ups and downs, suffered through the power outages and dropped phone calls, she said something to me the other day that meant a lot to me. She told me that if something were to happen that would cause me to be sent home early, she would be upset for me. At the beginning, she not entirely jokingly wanted me to suffer some minor but significant enough injury that I would be sent home. Now, though, she understands. She understands me, and that if I were sent home now, or anytime in the next nine months, I would not feel like I had completed what I set out to do, and would forever feel unfulfilled. For that understanding, I know more than ever that this is a relationship worth fighting for, and I thank her for that.

Who knows exactly what will happen in the next nine months (and one week). But at the same time that being in a relationship is made difficult by being in Peace Corps and in turn makes being in Peace Corps more difficult, it also makes it easier in many ways. Even better, someone who visited and now understands what I’m doing here all the more, makes me feel even more motivated and positive about the work I’m attempting to do. And as long as I know that she is there to listen when I need to talk, to talk when I need to listen and even when I’m not ready to listen but always willing to, I know that we will survive and in fact, thrive.

What worked for us will not work for everyone, but, in a small bout of wishing that this is not solely self-centered, I hope that some prospective PCV reads this and gleams some encouragement that they can make their long distance relationship work. We hear time and time again that long distance relationships never work, and I’ve seen and been a part of relationships that have not worked. But sometimes, once in a blue moon, they do. And thank goodness for that.